I am bad at networking.

I have issues with people who wear high boots and knee-length coats. They look like midgets in non-midget clothing, or ten-year olds playing dress up.

I'm sorry. Dwarves in non-dwarf clothing.

(Since when is dwarf less offensive than midget? Midgets don't have shaggy beards and battle axes and names like Gimli. That's what dwarves are for.)

Discovered that I am not good at business-networking happy hours. We're in the process of expanding our Auxiliary Board, so we got a bunch of local yuppies to meet at an expensive "Irish Pub" on Clark to consume Miller Lite and very un-Irishy finger foods. I'm sober and still not on the level with these guys. Here are some actual verbal exchanges:


ONE.

RANDOM DUDE: So, what do you do?

ME: Kick ass at Flippy Cup.


TWO.

RANDOM DUDER: You're a fan of college basketball, huh?

ME: What? Oh, God, no. I'm just feigning interest so I don't have to talk to some of the people here.

RANDOM DUDER: ...Oh.

ME: Oh, not you. Unless you're boring. (I laugh. Awkward.) No, I'm just not good at small talk. So it probably would be good if I was into college basketball, so I wouldn't have to talk about my job or the weather or other bullshit things.

RANDOM DUDER: Why? What do you do for a living?

ME: I'm a professionalologist.

RANDOM DUDER: What's that?

ME: It's a very bad joke quote. Nevermind. It's from...ahh, fuck it. You ever see Run Ronnie Run?

RANDOM DUDER: Um, no.

ME: That's alright. Awkward. Nevermind. Subject change. I work for BSF.

RANDOM DUDER: Oh, so you're here for like work?

ME: I'm more here for the booze and Irish quesadillas.

RANDOM DUDER: (awkward) Yeah, right? I don't think the Irish made quesadillas.

ME: (in my asshole voice) Since when does a company called Franco-American make Italian food?

RANDOM DUDER: (laughing lightly and uncomfortably) Um, what?

ME: Nevermind. It's...nevermind. It's cool. I just...just...nevermind (apparently, my proclivity for conversation is limited to quotes from movies and cartoons about the grown-up children of superscientists)

RANDOM DUDER: Oh.

ME: Yeeeeaaah.

RANDOM DUDER: Well, I'm gonna get another beer.

ME: Okey dokey. I'm gonna...yeah.



THREE.

RANDOM DUDETTE: So is it a good game?

ME: I have no idea, but cable has waaaay better commercials than regular network.

RANDOM DUDETTE: I don't...know what you mean.

ME: I don't have cable.

RANDOM DUDETTE: Oh, my god, I can't live without it, why not?

ME: Can't afford it just yet.

RANDOM DUDETTE: Why not, what do you do?

ME: Watch network and cry myself to sleep at night.

RANDOM DUDETTE: (awkward laugh) No, I mean, where do you work?

ME: BSF.

RANDOM DUDETTE: Oh! That is so great! I almost went the non-profit route, too.

ME: Which route did you take?

RANDOM DUDETTE: I'm an Investment Analyst for Deloitte and Touche.

ME: Well...glad you're here now. You thinking about getting involved with the Auxiliary Board?

RANDOM DUDETTE: What's that?

ME: That's...that's what this whole happy hour party thing is for. To see if people want to get involved in the Auxiliary Board.

RANDOM DUDETTE: I thought it was for BSF.

ME: Yeah, the BSF Auxiliary Board.

RANDOM DUDETTE: Oh. So what do I have to do?

ME: Well, the board does some volunteering at schools, painting classrooms and mentoring and stuff like that, and we're also raising money for a scholarship fund. And there's a $50 annual membership fee that goes--

RANDOM DUDETTE: $50? That's kind of steep.

ME: Well, how much do you pay a month for cable?

RANDOM DUDETTE: You know, I'm going to get another beer. We'll talk later, okay?



FOUR.

OTHER PEOPLE IN A CONVERSATION: ...bar called Rossi's...

ME: (scrambling over people and throwing elbows to get to the speakers) Are you guys talking about Rossi's?

OTHER PERSON 1: No...

ME: Dude, I love that place. Let's go. Let's go and play Nudey Touch. You guys ever play Nudey Touch?

OTHER PERSON 1: Um, no...

ME: You are completely missing out.

OTHER PERSON 2: What is it?

ME: You know those touch screen bar games? Nudey Touch is photo hunt, like where you look at two pictures and find where they're different, and with naked lay-days, or you can do hunks, but babes are way easier than hunks because hunks are always in front of cars and babes usually just have like different bangs or a different colored thong or a one-eyed Great Pyrenees.

OTHER PERSON 1: You really like this game, huh?

ME: Duh. It rules.

OTHER PERSON 1: Where is this at?

ME: Rossi's. I thought I overheard you say something about Rossi's.

OTHER PERSON 2: I don't think we mentioned it.

ME: You're kidding.

OTHER PERSON 2: You're probably just hearing things. Well, I'm going to get another beer, excuse me.

OTHER PERSON 1: Yeah, me too.

ME: H'Okay.


So, the moral of the story is this: I am bad at networking, and very good at getting people to drink faster and spend more money on beer. I'm annoying even when sober.

...