The Star Stealer

You know when you notice one thing at random one day, and then you pick up on small events automatically? Like playing jacks, except you're snatching up observations instead of metal stars. Similar to the chaos theory, but this is more like understanding chaos in action, constantly connecting seemingly random occurrences.

Like pattern recognition or associative memory. You think one thought, and regardless of whether or not you’re obsessing over that thought, you find yourself in ambiguous situations whose context applies to that one stray thought.

For example, one day you realize you haven't had a chocolate shake in, like, ages. You don’t crave a shake, or fixate on chocolate, it’s just a thought that passes in between, “I’m so pissed off about the suckiness that is The Happening” and “They should bring back Rainbow Brite,” and then you launch into the theme song from Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, which is a movie that completely kicks ass and now I have to queue it up on Netflix

Hold on a second.

Okay, so the availability of Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer is “unknown” on Netflix, and now I’m pissed.

I was trying not to use “What do you wear to a gay wedding, anyway?” in that other paragraph because that I stole that line from Stephen Colbert, and after I thought it I answered in my head, “Duh, a rainbow. I could dress up like Rainbow Brite. I fucking love Rainbow Brite. I love the part of the movie where the blue guy is doing pull ups and he starts singing, "up and at ‘em, you can’t just hang around when there’s work to dooooo’ and then they all bust out into chorus. And that black robot horse thing rules, too. What’s it called? I need to get my hands on that shit.”

Sorry, focus. Chocolate shake. Hungry. Butterfinger shake…shit. See, more unintended connection, ready for this? Read the second sentence of this post, and then look at the title of the Rainbow Brite movie. Well, now I have a title for this post.

Stuff like that is wierd.

Later on that day you're walking down the street and you pass a group of people sitting outside an ice cream parlor sharing a shake with four straws like they're at a sock hop. Two minutes later you pass a billboard for Steak N' Shake, and you remember that one time where you went to Steak N’ Shake and you met that random guy who tried to sit with you and tell you about the time he accidentally killed a dog.

Every time you walk past a pedestrian they're saying things like, "And I'm like, shaking her to get through to her," or "you can’t get it out unless you shake it."

That damn "Milkshake" song is blaring out the open door of some douchebag bar. People are shaking hands in introduction in front of you, behind you, surrounding you (which makes you think, “why the fuck is everyone meeting each other today?”).

All of a sudden everyone seems to be dogwalking, too, and the face of that guy flashes in your head, and you start picturing him murdering all of those beagles and shepherds and nippy little crappers around you, and you’re getting angry and worked up for no reason, and you notice you’re shaking.

Some girl takes a picture with a Polaroid, drags the photo out slowly, and does what everyone does with Polaroid pictures.

You glance across the street and see a diner with a sign saying, "Try our new CHOCOLATE MALT," and your phone blows up with a text message from your friend, who happens to live around the corner.

INBOX: You hungry? FOOD

OUTBOX: No fucking way. lets get malts.

INBOX: Thats what i wanted. thats fucked up. where you at

OUTBOX: Right by your place, suckah.

INBOX: Holy shit! ok ill be out in five

And then you and your friend commence the gettin' of milkshakes. As you’re leaving the diner, you run into someone you know, who is with someone you don’t know. You introduce yourself to the stranger and extend your hand for a handshake, and learn that he shares a name with your dog, and you think, “Well, today is a day for meeting people.”

That was just an example. But that kind of shit seems to happen to me all the time.

I was going somewhere with this, but now I can't remember, and I have to go buy a Butterfinger. To be continued.

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