Why I Am Not A Veterinarian: Part I

Oh, I wanted to be. Badly.

I've learned that most people are "animal people." And when you tell them, "Oh, yes, I am as well, I heart my dog" they launch into this whole explanation about how they are way more animal oriented than you are, and how they've loved animals their whole life, and how they get along better with animals than people. Sick of that (but I do it too). Every animal person thinks they're fucking Dr. Doolittle, as a rule. The oddballs are the people I meet that don't like animals.

As a child, I was terrified of animals and completely obsessed with them. They fascinated me, but they always ran away. Little fuckers. I would sit on the ground and stare at dead birds, rabbits, road kill--and I would cry. No touching, no poking it with sticks, just my tears and lifeless feathers and fur. How did this happen? Who's going to tell its dad? Are its kids alright? How do I let them know what happened to their mom? Oh, poor bunny.

And all those kids who fucked with the dead things? Yeah, they felt my wrath. Which means they felt apples ricochet off of the back of their heads, since that was my weapon of choice, what with all the goddamn apples that were always falling out of the trees.

Eventually I got braver, and started bringing home dogs. Wait--that's a lie. When my neighbors' dogs got loose, I knew it was because they would rather be my dog, because they would follow me home. Neighboring dogs loved our yard, and I don't really know why.

"MOM. I found a dog, she followed me home, can I keep her please please please?"

"Hon? Isn't that the Armelli's dog?"

"No, she's my dog, and I'm going to name her Salty."

"That's not how it works, and you know it." She squints out the window and starts laughing. "Besides, his name is Pepper."

Now I'm guilty. "No it's not."

"You take Pepper home, and you apologize to Mr. and Mrs. Armelli."

"But Salty likes me better."

"Then ask them if you can play with him, but he is not your dog."

"But Mo-om."

Laughing, head shaking, "Take him home now. He'll probably just come right back if he likes you so much."

And then I would take Pepper home and be dogless until another one came roaming around.

End Part I.

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