"You have to be to work early tomorrow."

See, this whole Holidaily postal obligation thing is really throwing me off. Because automatically once something is required of me, it's an assignment, and I just do not want to do it.

Like, "You have to be to work early tomorrow."

No I fucking don't, boss. I'm strolling in forty minutes late just like I do every other day. I might even stop and get myself some munchkins, just so I can tack an extra five minutes onto my lateness.

Here's the thing: no one is going to know if I'm late, because I have to open the office tomorrow. And really, what's the point of showing up late when there's no one around too afraid to reprimand you?

But anyway, there's this meeting for our board of directors, and the boss always nominates me to stay at the office to answer phones instead of hanging out at the board meeting.

I wish I could say this decision was because of my aptitude for timeliness and responsibility and the fact that when it comes to being in charge of anything other than my own sobriety, I am nonpareil. But I'm pretty sure the boss knows that before like, nine-thirty...I'm fucking useless. And he doesn't want the board members catching me napping during their speeches like last time.

They really try hard to keep me away from some of the members of the board. Once it worked in favor for us during an auction we held, because I sat around and drank with one of the younger board members (so, for Board standards, he was in his fifties) and he ended up spending like $20,000 on something worth far less. And he called the office a few days later and told me his wife was pissed and he had to charge it on multiple cards.

Then there was the time I got sent to the Cubs game to try to convince those guys to (a) buy me drinks, (b) give us money, and (c) not purchase the Cubs.

My boss willingly put me in a situation where I spoke out loud to people with enough money to buy the Chicago Cubs.

He's got balls.

And hey, it worked.

...