Rant. Sorry. Whatever.

Dear Little Sisters,

1. No, I am not being mean when I think your discomfort is funny, or when I do things "just to make you mad." Because I'm not trying to make you mad. I'm trying to see if you've fucking grown up at all, or if you're still offended by bullshit comments and light mockery. You're both in your twenties, and you're damn sensitive. I'm trying to find out if you've finally learned to stop taking everything so seriously.

2. I don't think I'm better than either of you. In fact, I know you're better than me. By the time I'm forty, I totally want to be fourteen-year-old Yellavitch. Fourteen-year-old Yellavitch was hilarious and fearless and unembarrassed and self-aware of her naivety, and smiled often. What happened in the past seven years that made you so coiled and defensive and angry? I'm fascinated. I care. Stop being a stupid bitch and getting angry at me for giving a shit about you.

3. Chill out. Yes, you're being a stupid bitch. Let's talk about this.

4. You both insult me constantly. Half of the sentences you say to me begin with, "No offense, sister, but you [are not a shining example of success--are never on time--drink too much--will talk to anyone and it's creepy--spend money unwisely on stupid things like traveling--don't exactly have the most reliable friends and therefore you are not a good judge of character--don't care about anything--aren't wearing bra--are a walking joke--will never be taken seriously--should never be a mom--don't know everything--etc.]." I don't argue with you on these points, because you're entitled to say whatever you want to say. That, and sometimes I find them hilarious. Sure, you hurt my feelings too, and I usually just laugh it off. But I hear you, and I understand you, and I'm pretty sure I comprehend your words on a far more intimate level than you anticipate.

6. I don't think you should respond to a question or comment the same way I respond, because you are not me. Duh. But instead of going all fucking crazy banshee when I ask you your top ten favorite movies, maybe you could just have a conversation with me. It is not offensive to be interested in your likes and dislikes.

7. Of course I'm judging you. Sisters, every person you encounter judges you, this is inevitable. They judge the way you walk, the sound your feet make, if they like your belt or your hair. They judge your mood by the expression on your face. They make decisions about your worth when they don't even intend to do so. Every. Single. Person. They judge you by choosing to ignore your presence, by oggling your rack, by turning the other way, by making eye contact and smiling.

8. The difference between me and you is that sometimes, I choose to judge people by speaking to them and making a decision. You judge people by pretending they don't exist. Seriously, by choosing to remain strangers with a person, you imply that someone is not worth knowing. This is not rude, it's just the way it is. Everyone does it. Sometimes, not all the time, I choose to make an attempt at friendship. So...yes. I'm the person that talks to people riding the elevator, in line for a roller coaster, sitting at the bar.

9. What better way to find out about someone than learning what they love? Um, I'm sorry, but people are defined by their interests and their actions. Those are the closest things outsiders have to reading minds.

10. So, yes, asking people their top ten favorite movies is important. It's very important, and I don't want you telling me otherwise, because the fact of the matter is you don't fucking know everything. The order you list them is essential, even though I made a point of annoucing its irrelevance. If you think order matters, you'll try harder to do it right. Loving things isn't about being right.

Your development in linking one movie to the next is significant. Your explanations between titles is imperative to your thought process. It's mesmerizing watching people churn and burn and glow over discussing something they love.

Yes, it must be limited to ten, because constrictions push your internal discussion and reaction outward and amp up the interesting. I understand that people are allowed to watch more than ten movies. I've seen well over three thousand, according to Netflix. That's six months of my life. I worked at a video store and didn't have cable. Yes, I understand that one cannot be defined by a mere ten things, I'm not fucking retarded. But that doesn't mean it's not interesting, it doesn't mean you can't learn something about a person from it.

See, that's what you don't understand: this isn't life or death. They don't have to be your top ten for the rest of your goddamn life. It's about me witnessing your personal connectional hurricane and learning about you.

Take away social pretension about trying to impress someone with your elite knowledge, these aren't the best movies, they are your movies. Just name ten movies you love, and then I know the narrative style that speaks to you, I know what jokes resonate, I know what excites you, and what you're afraid of, how you define yourself, how you see other people, how you want to be seen. And if you're trying to be impressive and elite, I'll know that too.

Stop taking shit so seriously and just play.

Love,
Me

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