"Sister, you are about to become frighteningly jealous of my everyday life," Katsisch sneers.
"Lay it on me."
"So at work a couple of the guys play this game where they make top five movie lists like, favorite sci-fi, favorite westerns, favorite space movies," she drags out the sentence as much as possible, "favorite black and white movies created in the color era."
"I hate you so hard right now."
"I told them that you would be basically infatuated with the game."
"Please tell me you're playing."
"They totally let me play. I'm the only girl that they'll let play. And they think girls are stupid because we don't know movies," and of course my feminist buzzer starts ringing in my head, because those guys sound like a bunch of bullshit sexist fuckheads and I want nothing more than to aggressively prove that I know more shit than they do, and they will be seduced by my knowledge, charm, and natural hilarity, and then everyone falls in love with me because I am The Ideal Woman. "But that's really because no other girls want to play."
"Why would anyone choose to not play this game? Are people crazy? How do you win? Can I play via interweb or something because I like have to?"
"I told them that you would kick their ass at any and all trivial movie-related activities."
"Don't tell people shit like that man, because then when I make a mistake it's a waaaaaaay bigger deal."
"It's not like you're ever going to meet them."
"True, Sister." And then they will never know that they are in love with me. So much for my plan. "So give me one."
"A list?"
"Fuck yeah, give me one."
"Top five sci-fi."
"What kind of sci-fi?"
"Like...?"
"Like time travel? Or like aliens or space or technology or are you looking for all-encompassing science fiction?"
"I have no idea. Aliens."
"In outer space, on Earth, or both?"
"Space is not a requirement. You just gave me like seven more categories for the game."
"We must be specific. I take this shit seriously. Favorites or best?"
"Favorites."
"Flight of the Navigator, Alien..." I pause, for a few seconds, gazing in thought. "I need more time."
"In general we choose the category in the morning and hold court over lunch, so during the actual game you would have four hours."
"Maybe Repo Man."
"How have you not listed Star Wars yet?"
"Dude, I need more time. There are just so many. The Last Starfighter. Star Trek (lady boner). Starship Troopers. Basically anything with 'star' in the title."
"Five and only five."
"Evolution. Muppets In Space."
"Now you're just naming movies for the sake of proving you know the names of a bunch of movies."
"Okay, well maybe not Muppets In Space, but Evolution for sure."
"You're going to write a blog about this, aren't you?"
"Prolly."
"You are such a dork. Nobody cares about your blog."
"It's not like I walk around introducing myself as a Blogging Extraordinaire. I don't even like telling people about it."
"You talk about it all the time."
"You brought it up, you sneaky bastard. Plus sometimes you know, it's like I want to tell a story, but I don't know if the person I'm talking to has already read something I wrote and I'm just repeating myself like a jackass. So I gotta start half of my conversations with, 'Did you read my blog about fucking whatever' and move on from there."
"You just want everyone to read it. I'll bet you tell people about it at bars."
"I sure fucking don't. I'm embarrassed by it. I hate it when strangers find out I have a blog, because then a friend says, 'oh you have to read her blog she's so funny' and then people are like, 'what do you write about' and I'm like 'ummm...things I think are funny.' Because I don't want to talk about my inadequacies, and then I have 'funny' to live up to. So I have to mock myself incessantly until I'm comfortable, which makes other people uncomfortable. So basically my blog is a platform of insecurity and validation and a place for me to over-analyze stuff."
She stares at me. "Why don't you just stop over-analyzing?"
"If you stop breathing, does that make the thought of breath irrelevant?"
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Okay, just because I stop over-analyzing stuff doesn't mean I'm not going to crave over-analyzing stuff, and then I'm going to over-analyze my over-analytical nature. I've been like this for twenty-eight years, it's not like it started yesterday."
"Whatever. Just be clear about this: I was right, and you were wrong."
"What are you talking about?"
"It's Muppets FROM Space, and you said Muppets IN Space. HA! I WIN! I AM SOOOO BETTER THAN YOU!"
"Shut up."
...
25 comments:
Does it give you a lady boner that my husband, me and the nine year old son all went as Star Trek original series crew members? One difference though between the original and our version. I got hubs the engineer shirt(has engineering badge, yes we are nerds). I couldn't find a chic costume that wasn't size xs made out of basically paper so I had to make mine, which entailed blue Target clearance dress, black felt for collar, gold rope purchased at craft store and original replica badge thingy bought off ebay. My badge? yup, it was a captain's badge, haaaaaa. Husband saw me in am cause I wore my costume to work(yup I did) and was all like, wha? you're the commander?
Uh huh, I am.
For Halloween, just to clarify. I don't dress as a Star Trek crew member and go to work on days that are not Halloween.
Yet.
You are indeed the Ideal Woman. Just for that, you're getting an award.
How do you win at this game? Everyone concedes that your favorite movies are clearly superior to everyone else's favorite movies in the genre? I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm asking this means that I lose. Anyway, I just wanted to say that Flight of the Navigator-OMG. Going on my Netflix right now.
i want to see 'over-anal: the mini-series reality show' with you and your sister... that'd be the shit. but i'd need some quaaludes first...
Muppets From Space. I'm sorry, Rassles. You got owned.
Seriously, the whole "I-know-all-kinds-of-things-about-sci-fi-so-I-am-the-ideal-woman" thing?
Do it all the time, dude. I even got into a loud Star Trek argument with my friend at the bar last night, hoping some hot dude would hear it and want to have my babies. It didn't work.
I'm going to let other people play the movie game because I have a hard time remembering movies, or books, or anything really except maybe smells (scents? odors? aromas?).
That's good because I don't dwell on the past, and it's good because I'm surprised and delighted by stories about me, but it's bad for trivia, where I can only manage an impression of the answer without hypnosis. There are very few ethical amateur hypnotists who I play trivia games with.
So that's a long introduction to give my opinion of talking about my blog in public. I don't do it. Don't get me wrong, I want people to read my blog. I want to be admired. But it should be publicized very discreetly, the knowledge of its existence disseminated by a close friend maybe via bar napkin with the admonition, "Shhhhh."
It should be forbidden fruit, never talked about, but shared through a quick glance, a half-smile, a nudge -- no one else the wiser.
You got boots? Because you can't be the ideal woman without boots. No matter how many Last Starfighter references you can make.
Rassles is a boot babe. I can tell....
I don't tell anyone about my blog either. Mostly because I don't want people to know that I'm a lazy writer who posts like once or twice a month.
I don't know if Repo Man is sci-fi, i think i'd have to say it's more a treatise on the human condition than anything, i yes i mean that with all sincerity.
The Last Starfighter does rule though and for years while playing Galaxian not Galaga, in a bowling alley i was waiting for an alien to come and recruit me to battle the forces of intergalactic evil. never dawned on me til just now that maybe i wasn't that good at Galaxian. I did kick ass at Galaga.
I write 1 of my blogs so that people who are googling me will see it first in search results. All those nasty pages about me come up in like the 5th page of results now. I kid. There's nothing really damaging about me on the internets. Don't look. Seriously. Nothing to see.
Also, my fave alien movies-
men in black
alien versus predator
the new star trek
pretty woman
farscape
HAH! I got a lady boner just reading this one. Mmmm, sci-fi ...
Evolution is SO on that top 5 list...although Spaceballs would probably also be on my list so maybe I'm not educated enough on sci-fi to play this game. Oh and you need to tell these people who think you're a boot babe about how you refused to wear your boots for your carmen sandiego costume cuz they hurt your feet! Halloween traitor...fajsdj
My little brother called it _Fight of the Alligator_ when he was a toddler. Good pick.
Ugh ... no, I don't tell people about my blog. I'm okay with strangers across the universe reading my blog but acquaintances. It always makes me uncomfortable. I feel like they have this advantage over me. They know all this shit about me and I know nothing about them at all. It's just weird. With other bloggers it's a reciprocal relationship.
If I am ever on Jeopardy and the final category is "Time Traveling Alien Movies" I lose big time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... Rassles dressed up as Carmen Sandiego? I find myself aroused by the awesomeness of such a venture.
Top 5 David Lynch female leads - go.
FF: Here I was, sure you guys got all dolled up for the movie premiere. Still. Awesome.
Chris: I AM NOT GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT AWARD WITH A RESPONSE. Now I have to draw you a picture. Dammit.
DoW: I don't think you can win. But if I were actually playing, I would find a goddamn way.
Daisy: People would hate us.
Erin: I am so embarrassed. Like the time I tried to argue that Sin City was filmed in black and white - even though I mean that the colors are added digitally, I made up this bullshit explanation as to why I was right and talked myself into a corner. I suck.
Chamuca: I don't know a lot about Star Trek. I know the new movie. And come November 17th, I'm gonna know it a whole lot better.
JMH: I would number the friendly amateur hypnotists I know at somewhere between zero and one-and-a-half, so I'm guessing you got the upper leg there.
RF: I own boots, but I don't like walking them. So...greetings, Starfighter.
Nurse: If you're talking about my snow boots, then you win. I wear those things all the time. It pisses off my friends, I think.
Del-V: Seriously, how did you get to be so lazy?
Kono: Repo Man is SO sci-fi, it's the movie that inspired me to invent the connectional hurricane, which is actually what I named the Miller shrimp monologue.
Tabbie: Pretty Woman? Like the narrator is an alien? Joke, I know. Science Fiction. Oh, I get it. I'm not slow.
Lisa: Is yummy sometimes, no?
Schmee: Evolution is definitely in the top five. And there is nothing wrong with Spaceballs. And I think I should just let people go on thinking that I wear boots regularly instead of around the office. Keeps the illusion alive. And I don't seem like a big fat baby.
Red: And from now on, I will call it that as well.
Sid: Agreed. But I like having my friends read it. Keeps me honest.
Franklin: If you're ever on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and you get an alien movie question, I will be your phone-a-friend.
RF: Don't get too excited. I wore all-stars.
Freeman: Are there really enough female leads? Okay. After five minutes of deliberation:
- Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet (duh)
- Laura Palmer (I'm assuming I can count Twin Peaks, since you didn't specify movies. She totally counts as a lead character, even though she was dead, because really the BEST person on the show was Kyle Machlachlan and there had to be all these bizarre women around him just so he seemed normal)
- Patricia Arquette in the second half of Lost Highway, which is the fucking scariest movie I've ever seen.
- Sissy Spacek in Straight Story
- Mrs. Mothershead in the Elephant Man
and I want nothing more than to aggressively prove that I know more shit than they do
I do this every single god damn fucking day. And I love you for making it alright. HAH!
Chucks still rock the hotness. But not those new Chucks that are knee-high boots. For some reason they don't work for me.
"So I have to mock myself incessantly until I'm comfortable, which makes other people uncomfortable." - This is...me. I hate this about myself. Like, why can't I just be easy and breezy and confident and not feel afraid of that?
I love your posts that are just oozing with movie nerd.
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