I Am A Blood Traitor

My sister, as it turns out, is extremely upset with me for misquoting her in my previous blog entry. She didn't read it, of course, because I refuse to let her read this site at all - but I repeated a phrase to her and she sharply corrected me and demanded I print a correction, exclaiming - and this is verbatim - "You cannot write defaming and libelous things about me on your shitty blog! Blood traitor!" and then she made me write it down on the back of an Extra Value Liquors receipt.

So I've decided to post up a conglomerate of brilliant things my sister has said to me over the years.

"I loathe mayonnaise. It is my least favorite thing after asymmetry and cheese that is not powdered."

You read that correctly. Katsisch was adamant that I properly modify my former declaration and the appropriate distinctions be made, because, "Nacho cheese Doritos are not parmesan, duh" and "I eat Smartfood, too" which is probably where she learns all of those big words. Katsisch is a big fan of faux cheese flavor and Kraft parmesan, not blocks of actual cheese. She's disgusted by the thought of it, in fact.

She orders cheese pizza and tosses the cheese, like mozzarella is just protective covering for the sauce. "It only cooks properly if there's cheese," she explains, "and it only tastes good without it."

We are very different.

"I love my Dearfoam slippers. Without them the ground is cold and unyielding."

I repeat this often and shamelessly pawn "cold and unyielding" as my own.

"Brevity and ridicule are the panacea of our lives."

Which is a direct quote from when my aunt died from liver cancer years ago.

"Are you talking about the Civil War? That is my very favorite war!"

So I'm explaining to my dad how I had to get rid of a favorite shirt because of unfortunately-placed stains. I have big boobs and poor hand-eye coordination, which is why I am not a fucking surgeon.

Anyway, I said my shirt looked like "Spotsyvlania" and Katsisch thought I was referencing one of her favorite Civil War battles, and she literally runs and slides into the room to shanghai our conversation. Apparently she likes a good face-off between Grant and Lee. Previously unaware that Spotsylvania even existed, I wikipedied it while Katsisch yelled and called me "unpatriotic" and "a dirty cheat engaged in lies and trickery" while she blasted the American public for being unfamiliar with their country's history.

Normally I would say something like, "Dude, can you name every battle in every war this country has fought?" but that would be redundant, because I'm sure she can spout them off chronologically up until the end of World War II, just like she can name every primary presidential candidate, their political affiliation and the historical and social significance of each election. Bitch. Is. Crazy.

Then again, you know, that's what I'm like with movies, sooooo....whatever.

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