"Once I learn how, I'm totahlly gonna have like a ladies poe-ker nahyite." She says it with conviction, but with that obnoxious high-voiced fucking vocal fry thing. You heard it here first: I am prejudiced against your shitty voice.
"No you're not," he says loudly, and runs his fingers through his hair. I feel obligated to call it a lustrous mane.
"Yes I ahm! I totally ahm."
"Really? You're serious?" He flashes impossibly whitened teeth. "What are you guys going to play? Ladies' blackjack?"
"No. Real poker. Like, just, Tehcksaahs Hold 'em..." I decide that she probably has a very, very small nose. I turn and stare. She does.
Laughter. Teeth. He throws back his head and his hair billows. But we are inside. How did he do that? Do rich people know about something we don't? Can you get tiny air vents full of sunshine implanted in your head that make your hair ripple and glow? This wouldn't surprise me. Must do research.
He speaks. "Just Texas Hold 'em? Just like, the hardest poker game ever? Yeah, I'll bet."
"No, wehll, yeah. You know. It'll just be like, light and easy poker, you know, for girls." But she says 'girls' with a multi-syllabic high Kardashian squawk. I cannot believe she is a real person. I cannot believe she is a real person and people can listen to her speaking without smacking her. I cannot believe she missed out on a pun of gold when he finished his last sentence with 'bet.'
He is shuffling through boxes of donations. "Oh right, because, I mean, I was going to say...there is no way you can get a group of girls together that can play Texas Hold 'em." Tape rips. A box is opened. "Oh! Lulu Lemon! Lulu Lemon is like, the female staple. Lulu Lemon is to women like Halo is to men."
...
1) It should be noted that I don't know what the fuck Lulu Lemon is.
2) It should also be noted that this morning I discovered he means Halo the salon, and not the video game. Hair mystery solved.
3) It should subsequently additionally be noted that WHO THE FUCK GETS EXCITED about something called "Lulu Lemon"?
...
3 comments:
HALO[FOR MEN] offers a complimentary beverage with THE MAN service. Now there's something I don't get at SuperCuts. Probably why my hair looks like a weasel died on my skull.
Ohhhhhh, the yoga apparel store. Lululemon. Where you can buy $100 yoga pants. Every single woman in my yoga studio wears head to toe lululemon. I get my yoga pants at Target, which is probably why I will never be able to do a handstand.
Google Lululemon. They try to make their employees join a cult, basically.
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