I wrote this last night and found it just now. I had been drinking. I love it.
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
Originally I couldn't think of what song I should put here, because I don't listen to the radio so I never know what's on there. Fact is, it's a school night and I've been drinking because I cut six or seven inches off of my hair and I haven't gotten the chance to show it off yet and all I want to do is listen to the Beastie Boys because let's face it: they're my favorite.
I don't listen to the radio is because it's annoying. Just is. Sure, sometimes it's fun to blast B96, but only when I'm driving and only when Gyna is in the car, and she lives in Germany now so fuck that. Gyna? Move back here. You have to see my haircut. Then sometimes I'll flip on NPR, but everything on NPR is loaded with seriously brainwashed entitled smuggery (people who listen to NPR think that people who don't listen to NPR are automatically uneducated for not using alternate news sources but they never stray from NPR themselves, ergo, people who listen to NPR are fucking idiots. Plus, I like Fox News. Geraldo is like a South Park character), so that usually lasts about three minutes.
Anyway, I'd rather write or philosophize than listen to other people talk about things I don't care about.
I wish I heard every song from this album on the radio:
because Funhouse is about fucking.
I know what you're thinking: Rassles, what would you know about fucking? Okay, so, not much jerkface. Thanks. But we've met. I'd recognize that sound anywhere, and this album is just a whole bunch of instruments having dirty-ass sex with each other and it should be on the radio all the time. Just to make things interesting. If I were a stripper, I'd dance to this. I bet MCA is a huge fan of this. Poor MCA. Man, fuck you, cancer.
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Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
How About Instead of Staring at My Crotch You Just Tell Me That My Fly Is Open?
Hot damn I am classy today.
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Tuesday, December 2, 2008
An Email.
From: PrayingtoDarwin@some.email.place.com
Sent: Tue 12/02/08 4:27 PM
To: Rassles@some.other.email.place.com
Subject: FYI
Search Terms on my blog today:
dwarf porn 4
drawf porn 1
dwarft porn 1
dwarf pron 1
dewarf porn 1
dwarf's porn 1
porn dwarf 1
dawf porn 1
I feel there's a demographic being underserved out there.
G
...
Sent: Tue 12/02/08 4:27 PM
To: Rassles@some.other.email.place.com
Subject: FYI
Search Terms on my blog today:
dwarf porn 4
drawf porn 1
dwarft porn 1
dwarf pron 1
dewarf porn 1
dwarf's porn 1
porn dwarf 1
dawf porn 1
I feel there's a demographic being underserved out there.
G
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Friday, June 6, 2008
Imitation = Flattery
I'm good at imitating. With friends, especially.* So good, in fact, I don't even realize I'm slowly and surely becoming all of them. And that's kind of a bad thing, but only to other people.
1. I notice myself cock my head and wrinkle my eyebrows when I suspect foul play, in an explicitly rooster-like fashion. Gyna, that's your fault. Okay, pretend I'm Gob. Caw-cacaw.
2. Lying is getting much harder for me. Xtine says, "um" and "uh" whenever she lies (I figured you out Roomie, don't even pretend it's wrong). If she speaks the truth, she pauses and breathes when she loses her words, and eloquently speaks again when she finds them. But during the lies, or even small fibs, it's all nonsense filler noise. Ever since I've been aware of this, I've started doing it. I don't even realize it until I've done it, and then I have to fess up and be all, "Shit. I lied." I used to have a large problem with lying to people for no reason.
3. Around Muffy I talk loud. Booming loud. It makes sense, she's a loud talker who's unconcerned about stupid things like eardrums. Or, I mean, maybe it's because I'm usually hammered around Muffy. Whatever.
4. For some reason, me and Schmee have entire conversations in tardspeak. We're in our mid-late twenties, and we act like we're four. We have ten minute conversations like this:
"What you drinky?"
"Me drink wadka."
"Have, please? Sippy sippy?"
"No, eez mine."
"Eez for sharing."
"Eez for me-ing."
"You're a whore."
In the past, I only spoke like this around her. But it's slipping into other conversations where people don't play along, and they just think I'm an illegal alien from some florescent-skinned nation (I am so white I glow under black lights) or that I didn't get enough oxygen in the womb.
5. The real reason this is a problem is because yesterday I talked on the phone with my friend Dave, who incidentally has rather distinct speech patterns. He also has severe developmental issues, which makes comprehension difficult if you don't know Dave (and believe me, if Dave knows you, you know Dave. And he'll remind you, repeatedly, "You know me."). I've known him for years, so I don't ever really have complications.
So I talked to him on the phone during my lunch hour yesterday, which was nice because I haven't in awhile. We did lots of laughing, as always, and once we hung up the phone, I had Dave on the brain. I started talking to a co-worker and immediately laughed like him, in his broad, donkey kind of laugh, and then realized what I was doing and started laughing harder... it just escalated. Co-worker looks shocked and makes wide-eyes at me, and I explained Dave.
She was all sorts of cross. Very offended that I was making fun of him, like I was doing something wrong. So I tried to explain that I imitate all of my friends, I just pick up certain ticks and speech patterns naturally when I'm around them. She did not like that. Be more understanding, it gives other people the right, don't just go around making fun of the disabled.
Developmentally delayed, I tell her.
I'll laugh how I want. Friends are friends, and I imitate them. Deal.
Oh, and PS: I'm seriously considering becoming an adult film reviewer, just so I can say that I worked in the porn industry. Thank you, M.E. and Craigslist. I'm only sticking with it if I get paid. Apparently, bonuses up to $150 are available. Which means, you know, free porn. Which I will then sell on Ebay to make millions. Or to make $150.
* I also overuse the word "especially."
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1. I notice myself cock my head and wrinkle my eyebrows when I suspect foul play, in an explicitly rooster-like fashion. Gyna, that's your fault. Okay, pretend I'm Gob. Caw-cacaw.
2. Lying is getting much harder for me. Xtine says, "um" and "uh" whenever she lies (I figured you out Roomie, don't even pretend it's wrong). If she speaks the truth, she pauses and breathes when she loses her words, and eloquently speaks again when she finds them. But during the lies, or even small fibs, it's all nonsense filler noise. Ever since I've been aware of this, I've started doing it. I don't even realize it until I've done it, and then I have to fess up and be all, "Shit. I lied." I used to have a large problem with lying to people for no reason.
3. Around Muffy I talk loud. Booming loud. It makes sense, she's a loud talker who's unconcerned about stupid things like eardrums. Or, I mean, maybe it's because I'm usually hammered around Muffy. Whatever.
4. For some reason, me and Schmee have entire conversations in tardspeak. We're in our mid-late twenties, and we act like we're four. We have ten minute conversations like this:
"What you drinky?"
"Me drink wadka."
"Have, please? Sippy sippy?"
"No, eez mine."
"Eez for sharing."
"Eez for me-ing."
"You're a whore."
In the past, I only spoke like this around her. But it's slipping into other conversations where people don't play along, and they just think I'm an illegal alien from some florescent-skinned nation (I am so white I glow under black lights) or that I didn't get enough oxygen in the womb.
5. The real reason this is a problem is because yesterday I talked on the phone with my friend Dave, who incidentally has rather distinct speech patterns. He also has severe developmental issues, which makes comprehension difficult if you don't know Dave (and believe me, if Dave knows you, you know Dave. And he'll remind you, repeatedly, "You know me."). I've known him for years, so I don't ever really have complications.
So I talked to him on the phone during my lunch hour yesterday, which was nice because I haven't in awhile. We did lots of laughing, as always, and once we hung up the phone, I had Dave on the brain. I started talking to a co-worker and immediately laughed like him, in his broad, donkey kind of laugh, and then realized what I was doing and started laughing harder... it just escalated. Co-worker looks shocked and makes wide-eyes at me, and I explained Dave.
She was all sorts of cross. Very offended that I was making fun of him, like I was doing something wrong. So I tried to explain that I imitate all of my friends, I just pick up certain ticks and speech patterns naturally when I'm around them. She did not like that. Be more understanding, it gives other people the right, don't just go around making fun of the disabled.
Developmentally delayed, I tell her.
I'll laugh how I want. Friends are friends, and I imitate them. Deal.
Oh, and PS: I'm seriously considering becoming an adult film reviewer, just so I can say that I worked in the porn industry. Thank you, M.E. and Craigslist. I'm only sticking with it if I get paid. Apparently, bonuses up to $150 are available. Which means, you know, free porn. Which I will then sell on Ebay to make millions. Or to make $150.
* I also overuse the word "especially."
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Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The Silver Fox
As many of you know, I have a crush on Wesley Clark. It's been seven years now.
There, I said it. Dude's hot and he's got a great voice. A progressive army man? Just the thought of it's attractive. Like Willem Dafoe in Platoon. He's the Silver Fox. He speaks four languages. He has four stars. He's the military shiznit, so we can stick it to McCain, too, who can't play the navy background as much when a fucking four-star General is in Obama's corner. And he should be in Obama's corner as VP.
But here are my Obama/Clark dilemmas:
1. Will straight women and gay men be able to focus on politics at all if our country is run by two men who are positively dreamy? Will gay women and straight men? Clark's babeness transcends gender. Presidential porn fantasies in the oval office will skyrocket. The entire planet will be mesmerized by our ability to breed beautiful leaders.
2. Clark endorsed Hillary at the beginning...bad call, General. But Bill's his BFF, so I guess it's okay. It could even be argued that without Bill, Clark may never have hit four stars.
3. For a military dog, Clark has a long history of sliding around authority and doing whatever the hell he wants. So he's not good at being second-in-command. How about we make him president? Yeah.
One thing is for sure, Obama needs him an old white guy who's got a crapload of experience and knows about the military for a running mate. No way is the country is going to vote for a Barack/Hillary ticket after all the political cannibalism over the past couple months. They've worked hard to destroy and discredit each other, and the two of them teaming up just feels wrong.
Xtine the Roommate is spreading the love for Jim Webb, the guy from Virginia who looks like a cross between Dwight Schrute and Joss Whedon, was decorated in Vietnam, and is all about the veterans. He used to be a republican, and he recently switched over to the good side. And he's a gingery Irishman who's married to an Asian, so that ticket's like democratic gold for white hipster guys who love Asian women.
One guy I really like is Russ Feingold. He's got more cojones than Mexico. And he looks like your dad, or the smiley suburban guy who waves from behind a white picket fence wearing a pale yellow polo with loafers and shoulder sweater while he majestically waters the lawn.
But what you don't know about Smiley Suburban Dad Guy is that he will stand up for shit at PTA meetings when no one else dares, he's the guy who reads things before he signs them, and most of all, understands their full meaning: he's the only senator to oppose the Patriot Act. He's Lefty the Liberal, and he's gutsier than most. Unfortunately, no military background. Good man, friend to Jews and lover of cheese: Russ Feingold for president 2012.
Obama, advice: go with the Silver Fox.
...
There, I said it. Dude's hot and he's got a great voice. A progressive army man? Just the thought of it's attractive. Like Willem Dafoe in Platoon. He's the Silver Fox. He speaks four languages. He has four stars. He's the military shiznit, so we can stick it to McCain, too, who can't play the navy background as much when a fucking four-star General is in Obama's corner. And he should be in Obama's corner as VP.
But here are my Obama/Clark dilemmas:
1. Will straight women and gay men be able to focus on politics at all if our country is run by two men who are positively dreamy? Will gay women and straight men? Clark's babeness transcends gender. Presidential porn fantasies in the oval office will skyrocket. The entire planet will be mesmerized by our ability to breed beautiful leaders.
2. Clark endorsed Hillary at the beginning...bad call, General. But Bill's his BFF, so I guess it's okay. It could even be argued that without Bill, Clark may never have hit four stars.
3. For a military dog, Clark has a long history of sliding around authority and doing whatever the hell he wants. So he's not good at being second-in-command. How about we make him president? Yeah.
One thing is for sure, Obama needs him an old white guy who's got a crapload of experience and knows about the military for a running mate. No way is the country is going to vote for a Barack/Hillary ticket after all the political cannibalism over the past couple months. They've worked hard to destroy and discredit each other, and the two of them teaming up just feels wrong.
Xtine the Roommate is spreading the love for Jim Webb, the guy from Virginia who looks like a cross between Dwight Schrute and Joss Whedon, was decorated in Vietnam, and is all about the veterans. He used to be a republican, and he recently switched over to the good side. And he's a gingery Irishman who's married to an Asian, so that ticket's like democratic gold for white hipster guys who love Asian women.
One guy I really like is Russ Feingold. He's got more cojones than Mexico. And he looks like your dad, or the smiley suburban guy who waves from behind a white picket fence wearing a pale yellow polo with loafers and shoulder sweater while he majestically waters the lawn.
But what you don't know about Smiley Suburban Dad Guy is that he will stand up for shit at PTA meetings when no one else dares, he's the guy who reads things before he signs them, and most of all, understands their full meaning: he's the only senator to oppose the Patriot Act. He's Lefty the Liberal, and he's gutsier than most. Unfortunately, no military background. Good man, friend to Jews and lover of cheese: Russ Feingold for president 2012.
Obama, advice: go with the Silver Fox.
...
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